Insomniac Diaries: The Oscillating 2017

“Ain’t no Shame in holding onto grief, as long as you make room for other things too”

 Bubbles, The Wire

It has been a tough year; professionally and personally. Many dreams on which I dedicated important years of my life got shattered (Needless to say, they are just delayed, I will accomplish them someday), and life is a total mess on the personal front. 2017 started with the diagnosis of mild anxiety disorder and chronic insomnia by a qualified Psychiatrist, and by the end of it, I can confirm I haven’t really worked my way out of those stages, but I have been working on it throughout the year; weight loss, sleep hygiene, listening to calm music before sleeping, and only when all the methods fail, I feel like going to the one who has been my constant companion this year; Alprazolam. 

I made some tough/bad choices this year, well actually this year has been full of bad decisions, and have come to the conclusion that I just wasn’t at right place at the right time with the right frame of mind. However, it is not an excuse that I am using as a false hollow shield to hide my failure with, Yes, I was an utter failure this year, perhaps I have been for a longer time but this year made me become aware of it. How did I become aware of that, because I was turning bitter, I guess failure and rejections at crucial junctions of your life does that to you, it turns you into a bitter person. Now it is upto me that how I proceed with all the bitterness filled in me. Failure and rejections are very subjective, and difficult to classify unanimously; a failure for you might not necessarily be the felt from the same point of view by someone else. The stakes are different; the yardstick for the measurement of the extent of failure varies. However, the drama unfolds in almost in the same scenario. The emotions get restricted with times; the mind is in constant search of anonymous solace, the unsolicited reminiscence uninterruptedly surrounding us, the usual practice where we end up analyzing the failure to its core. 

I have lost a lot this year, important people in my life, mentally and physically as well. I have seen both scenarios, timely and untimely death of loved ones. On one end, I saw someone accepting death against a rare form of cancer, and just simply waiting for the misery to end. I never experienced something like that, seeing someone anxiously waiting for death to knock on the door. On the other end, saw a premature death of a close friend, you are planning for life, living in poignant moments, and suddenly death strikes, and it is all over, just like that within a snap of a finger. The thousands of memories generated into those millions of neurons end in a moment. I just could not sleep after that, I had nightmares, that is something I will never be able to able to get out of, and my grandmother repeatedly tells me that we never make peace in our heart with the loss of someone important, we live with it, hold onto the moments of happiness, and move on with the grief. She tells me that we humans are processed that way, we move on. I heard this beautiful line in a TV series “Ain’t no Shame in holding onto grief, as long as you make room for other things too”.   

Saw some great films, that long stayed with me, the characters constantly raised questions about my perspective on a lot of things, read a lot of books, fiction, non-fiction, personal memoirs, saw some great TV shows. I will try to highlight some of those moments which i filled along with grief:

Meri Pyari Bindu is without any doubt remains a charming film for me; it gave a new perspective of love, Bubla Roy’s notion of love left a long lasting impact. My memorable moment in the film remains Bubla's monologue expressing what Bindu meant for him, comparing her to the sad words of Gulzar, Sachin Tendulkar’s straight drive, more heartbreaking than the last ten minutes of Hrishikesh Mukherjee’s Anand, Geeta Dutt’s voice and many more of extraordinary figures.

Meri Pyari Bindu

Arjun Reddy an iconic character with his flaws and imperfections manages to grab our attention and makes his point about love crystal clear. The film will surely gain cult status in the coming years. The film, which almost feels like a documentary on this fascinating protagonist, always keeps you engage. The scene where Arjun is feeling the heat of his raging hormones, and yet  does not get a chance to fulfill it, he then grabs a handful of ice and puts it into his jeans to calm himself. In another scene, he compares his state of mood swings to a women going through PMS, and makes a point that one should take care of him rather than telling him that it is all in the fate. I wrote a post on Arjun Reddy, Please do read The Journey of Suffering with Arjun Reddy 

Angamaly Diaries, a stylish gangster film with moments of utter chaos, madness, barbarism, delicious food, screeching of pigs below knife, business of pork meat. In a scene, a man wraps his hands around a tree while tying a bomb, with a hypothesis that even if the bomb explodes, his hands would face the casualty, leaving his face and body relatively safe. The film is raw and rustic in its nature, and so is the outstanding soundtrack, which forms an important part of the film. The film features an 11-minute long take climax, which became its highlight, but apart from that climax, the pre-interval long chase is equally adrenaline driven.  

Angamaly Diaries

Newton, I have been to the rural parts of Chattisgarh, I have seen the blankness that resides in the mind of the people. They do not give a damn about democracy or any ideology, for them the quest for survival is the important agenda.  The difference in opinions and ideology between Newton Kumar and Aatma Singh is what made this film interesting. The scene where Sanjay Mishra tells the rookie election officer, Newton that “one should not be arrogant about their honesty, it is expected from them and it should make you feel lighter, not burdened” is my favorite moment in the film.

Vikram Vedha, the template of Baital Pachisi styled into a neo-nor action thriller with an honest and equally dangerous police officer going against a ruthless gangster.  The entry scene of Vedha in the film reminded me why I fell in love with movies. If you have ever heard, read or watched the stories of Baital Pachisi, you’ll realize the film does follow every trait from the folktale, but in a contemporary fashion. Be highly attentive while watching this film, you do not want to miss anything, because the devil lies in the details. The film is oozing with intelligence, and puts you in a dilemma while questioning the morality of a good person versus bad person.

Vikram Vedha

The Wire, I never thought I will watch anything better than Breaking Bad, but I was wrong, I watched The Wire, which aired on HBO from 2002 to 2008 and consisted of 5 seasons. The story is set in a city of Baltimore, the post 9/11 era in the United States where we understand how the impact of drug on various important elements in the society, from the streets of Baltimore, to the docks, from the schools to local newspaper, each entity is equally impacted and embedded. It is not a dramatic show; it forms its roots in organizing realism as well as empathy. The Show is about the flawed American war against the drugs, and the makers go up, front, and tells you how flawed the American Society and its politics are. In season 1 of the show, there is a communication going on between two cops, when one of them tells the other we are up against the war on drugs, to which the other cop replies, it’s not a war on drugs, because war’s end. The show has one of the coolest anti-hero in the form of Omar Little, who also happens to be President Obama’s favorite TV character.   

Books, I have read considerably less in 2017, but this year I discovered some classics, and great books. Haruki Murakami’s “Norwegian Wood” remains a personal favorite. Murakami’s writing is simply therapeutic and spells magic through his words. I also read Franz Kafka’s “Metamorphosis”, which I liked and was slightly disturbed by certain scenarios in the book; maybe I am just too immature to understand his books, which are full of symbolism at its deepest layer possible. Gulzar Saab’s “DO LOG” turned out to be yet another remarkable work from the legendary artist.  Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird: Some instructions on Writing and Life” was the book that I wanted to read for a long time, and finally I did got a chance to read it, it was funny, to the point, and does gives out some important words that one should follow in life. Bill Hayes’s “Insomniac City: New York, Oliver, and Me” was extremely personal and leaves you smiling with a hint of sadness. It talks about grief in a very different manner. Reading has been an important part of my life, and for the time being it takes me away from the grim reality of life. I am looking to explore more genres, more authors, translated works, novels in Hindi, Punjabi Literature. 

I’ll end my post by quoting George Jung from ‘Blow’ “But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition will exceed my talent”……

Thoughts on Insomniac City: New York, Oliver, and Me by Bill Hayes

“O: ‘The most we can do is to write – intelligently, creatively, critically, evocatively- about what it is like living in the world at this time” 

How will you react if someone looks dead straight in your eyes, and tells you in a firm voice that “At this moment, you are the most important person in the world.”

A sense of formidable assurance will hit you at the sweet spot of your heart; the much-wanted comfort in that firm voice will give you a sense of relief that no matter what, you are special and your presence does make a significance impact on someone’s life. 

This is one of the underlying scenarios, which forms the crux of Insomniac City: New York, Oliver, and Me written by Bill Hayes.

Set in the cosmopolitan jungle of New York, we do not read about the New York, which might be on the verge of an invasion from aliens. We do not read about the magnificence of Stark Tower complex located in midtown Manhattan. We do not read about the carnage that the several members of Avengers have brought in on the city. We do not see the New York, which Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver made us see through his eyes. Rather, we visualize a closer reflection of life in New York.

As the title suggest, the city never sleeps, there are always curious souls wandering aimlessly around subways, parks, on the streets and one such insomniac soul is Bill Hayes who, in his late forties makes a life changing decision and moves into the city of New York. Early in the book, he throws a familiar scientific term by the name of Agrypnia Excitata, a medical situation characterized by persistent Insomnia, over activity, mental confusion with dream enactment. He tells us that if we were to diagnose New York, it would surely be going through this medical condition, which he himself confirms to be going through mildly.  

Spring Shadows, Photo by Bill Hayes

The book starts with Bill narrating a devastating personal loss, the irony of which will make you wonder of how unkind being an insomniac can be. “Suffering a devastating loss is like suffering a brain injury, you walk around like a zombie, you can’t think straight, you feel drugged,” someone tells Bills, to which he thinks, “Sometimes you are drugged” it’s such a minor exchange of words filled with a sense of consolation which are so pure and genuine in their nature but at the same time, anecdotes like these is what made me think more about my own insomnia and the moments of personal loss. Bill meets many interesting people, who share some interesting aspects of their life, like using the term “disappear” in place of death, it made me wonder about the analogy of terms we use, to explain about the death of loved ones, surely it does represent a deeper connotation of our association with the person on a very personal level, they leave us physically but with a plethora of memories and moments to look after. Bill moves on in his life and discovers something on his own after his countless isolated nights “A thousand days is a thousand nights is a thousand chances to dream about him”  and recalls an out of the ordinary aspect from the Greeks; The god of sleep (Hypnos) has an identical twin, Thanatos, the god of death.     

Then what starts as a formal correspondence through letters between Bill Hayes and Dr. Oliver Sacks over the former’s book The Anatomist organically grows into something excessively special. It was the zest and the natural curiosity of discovering novelistic persona that shapes the bond of mutual admiration between the two. Dr. Oliver Sacks’ ability to look through Bill’s photographs from an altogether perspective, like comparing bare tree limbs to bundle of neurons in a closed system. Bill decides that he needs to get a fresh start, gets a one-way ticket, and like millions before and after him comes to New York, not specifically in pursuit of anything, but just to celebrate life the way he wants it to be.  Insomniac City is Bill Hayes love letter to two of the most important companions in his life, New York and Oliver Sacks. 

At Home, Photo by Bill Hayes

Bill Hayes explores New York and simultaneously his life. The unplanned encounter with strangers in the streets of New York yields him so many stories to remember. The weather of New York in which the multi color template of clouds play an important aspect throughout the book, the iconic Empire state building, the subways, dirty streets, cold nights, and taxicabs stuck in traffic, they all play a major role in Bill’s life, since he gradually transforms into a New Yorker, and accepts the city with all its detriments. Random stranger writing a love poem for Bill and coincidently meeting the same person two years later, this time the poem is about the sky under the stars. Preferring to stand rather than sit on a subway, never dozing off, never reading, as doing any of those things might make him miss a surprising site. There are many more such stories that Bill share with us. He deeply embraces New York and its people, and lives in optimism that city will repay him in some form or another, and eventually it does. He makes us see the city through his lenses (quite literally, since he captures many photographs). He captures moments of human love, people, strangers, lovers, acquaintances quite artistically without dramatizing the moment. Bill Hayes sees, values, experiences, untangles the simple yet the delicate complex nature of human emotions in New York.  It is the wonderfully expressed writing that one does not get a sense of time and space in accordance with the book, the random people coming into the life of Bill and leaving with an impact and a certain memoir of their own to share in future. The illustration of human emotions through photographs gives us a glimpse of how he intends to celebrate life in New York, both the photographs and the anecdotes of New York runs in a parallel narrative style of storytelling.  

Lovers on the Grass, Photo by Bill Hayes

"It requires a certain kind of unconditional love-to-love living here. But New York repays you in time in memorable encounters, at the very least. Just remember: ask first, don't grab, be fair, say please and thank you- even if you don't get something back right away. You will.” 

Dr. Oliver Sacks (O), the genius neurologist, writer, professor forms the significant draw in the book. The way Bill portrays him through his personal journal entries (idea of which was suggested to Bill by Dr Sacks himself that he must keep a journal) gives us a subtle hint of the kind of relation both of them shared. O didn’t know what or who the phenomenon known as Michael Jackson was, he had no attentiveness of the contemporary pop music, he didn’t owned any computer, didn’t use email or text, rather favored using his fountain pen. He spend almost three decades in celibacy, spending majority of his time in work, reading, writing, unlocking the mysterious mechanism around the captivating aspects of Neurobiology. He works on the principle of not fearing death as much as wasting life. For O, writing is more important than pain. He redefines intimacy in such an extraordinary manner that you cannot help but get amused by his notion of intimacy, love and romance. He wears swimming goggles while opening the bottle of champagne because, first he has never done that himself and second “just in case”.  

“I just want to enjoy your nextness and nearness,” says O.

He puts his ear to my chest, listens to my heart, and counts the beats.

“Sixty-two,” He says with a satisfied smile, and I can’t imagine anything more intimate.  

The conversations between O and Bill appear so simple, yet it is their normal routinely conversations that sparks the inquisitiveness to know more about them, their world, the way they visualize the importance of the clouds in the evenings, they way they tend to look from a scientific perspective to describe normal human activities.  The way O suddenly mumbles “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could dream together?”  The conversations at the opium den, where O gets stoned and exhibit his vast neuroscience knowledge and enjoys the coming out of the regular boredom, and discussing the thin difference between happiness and pleasure. The difference in both of their personalities can summed into a minor conversation where Bill point out that he has seen fireflies, to which O responds that swallowing more than three of those would result in death due to luciferase. Their relation is an ideal paradigm of the perfect balance between Science and Literature. Bill’s words and feelings are the poetry whereas O is the scientific instrumentalist of those words and feelings.

Throughout the deeply personal conversations, Bill Hayes gives us an unparalleled access to their love, to their world, and in a way tells us about the restrictions of human endeavors brought upon by time, space and medium needs to be respected. The acceptance of death at some point in life, holding onto grief, and then going on to celebrate death, and much more importantly celebrate “Life” is what makes this book extremely memorable and a delightful read. Perhaps I am not able to precisely explain what made reading this book a charming experience for me, but the writing is so personal and intimate, that you appreciate the beauty of it. If you want to celebrate life in ordinary moments or want to connect yourself again to the times we live, then Insomniac City awaits your attention. Bill Hayes awaits your attention.