“The
last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world”
Leonard Cohen
“All bad things
must come to an end”
I read the
line from the breaking bad poster stuck on the wall, just in front of my bed. I
broke out of the comfort of warm blanket and immediately felt a twinge of
coldness in my knees. I washed my face with cold water just to alert my senses.
I went to the
balcony and thought about the various things going in my mind for the last
couple of days. I ended a five-year long relationship with the girl, I thought
I was going to marry and get old with. I had expressed extreme sympathy for a
friend who became a victim of domestic violence. I resurrected a person from
attempting suicide; I had a cousin brother in London who was battling with life
with a blood clot inside his brain.
Words like
guilt, love, expectations, frustrations, loneliness, mental tiredness and many
more frequently used terms from the same genre became a regular part of my life
and now I treated them merely as tools to express my emotions.
My life was like
boxer standing in the ring and trying to defend the incoming punches, I was
standing in position where I had no time to recover and get stable to give my
own knockout punch.
I went through a
lot of mixed emotions, guilt of not being loyal towards the person who cared
for me, being a little selfish about my own affection, lonely off being not
able to find a single person in my phone contacts to share my feelings with,
sensible of not letting someone end his life just because he failed in his life.
I got restless,
decided to get back inside the room to place myself again under the comfort of
the warm blanket. I stared at the static fan and off-white colored walls and
thought about the various nights I had spent thinking about improving my life
and making it a better place to live. The very next moment another thought
struck me, about how in all those aspects I was a miserable failure.
My life was
slowly becoming an amalgamation of despair and sadness, where all I did was
live my life in two images. One where I presented myself as a person of how the
society wanted me to be and secondly the person I wanted to be. However, now
come to think of it, we all are living our lives in the same pattern of duality.
It was not the
lack of sleep that was turning my thinking process into a more complex system,
it was the lack of hope. Lack of happiness that you get from little things you
go through in life, the atmosphere of an early morning cool breeze, sunshine in
the dawn, a moment when you see flock of birds twittering their way into the
blue sky not worrying about the destination. People going for their usual
morning walks and being internally happy that they are taking care of their
body, The huge crowd assembling near the tea stall for their early morning tea,
mothers preparing lunchbox for their children, that little kid crying his heart
out in a emphatic way to tell his parents that he doesn’t want to go to school.
I missed these small ordinary moments to be cheerful.
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| Photo by Zac Durant on Unsplash |
When Life starts throwing random punches towards me, I should behave like
the great Jake Lamotta- let it
beat the hell out of me, but not be able to knock me down. With that thought, I
realized how true the breaking bad poster stated, that all bad things must come
to an end and so will my sleepless nights would one day see the end of
darkness.
