To Whom It May Concern

Dear (Please Insert Your Name),

Before I get down to start sharing what I am going through from past couple of years, I want to put down some questions for you, and if you are reading this, try and share your answers, they are just random questions, it won’t necessarily enlighten me about the subject, but at-least I’ll have a perspective to look at it:

Photo by Andre Mouton on Unsplash

How does rejections (not merely in professional front, but also from a personal point of view) affect your outlook towards life?

What is your first impression of an emotionally broken person?

How does one cope up with the guilt that is driven by being dishonest with your own ambitions?

Which is more important, being in love with someone special, or be loved by someone special?

Is being mediocre or average a bad attribute?

Do the books we read define us the kind of person we are, or the kind we want to be?

First important thing that I want to tell you, if you are reading this, “I love you” (Obviously not in a romantic manner, because then it would be awkward for me and for you as well), but in a more genuine and straightforward manner, something which I have been lacking in my life for the past two and half years, to tell people what I actually feel about them rather than telling  what they want or expect to hear from me. I have come to realize this, that love gives us this opportunity to finally be more of ourselves, and if something is able to provide us those walking ground and space, it sure must be utilized very delicately and smartly. I will specifically emphasize on two words, delicacy and smartness because without the presence of these two attributes, that space will slowly get more generic and will lose its essence.  

I’ll start this letter with the iconic epilogue from the Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz starrer 2001 movie, “Blow” which has stayed subconsciously with me, for reasons still unknown to me. 

“So, in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become? It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door”  

I have this recurring nightmare, that I am about to die, and I say these lines, not to anyone but myself, and then I wake up terrified. We will get back to this part later.

There are certain moments over a period of time that stays with you, and whenever you think about that time, it makes you smile, you cherish each and every moment of that time, in my case that period lasted for about 25 months. I realized the nervousness of what it feels like to be in love with someone who has a pensive pair of eyes, I experienced what it feels like to have your name printed under the logo of an international journal, what it feels like to be in your own personal happy space, be content with what you are doing in present, and somewhere planning what you are going to do in future, I bid goodbyes too, some happily, and some out of circumstances. Goodbyes are always tough, you have this constant fear inside you that the time gap will change you and the person, if you are lucky enough to meet them again, how will the dynamics work out? and if you try and ignore the goodbyes, and act as emotionally non-vulnerable person (which I did, and still practice a lot of times), it just hits you in the face sometimes randomly that you might not be able see that person again, that’s a difficult spot to be in.   

Then life happened. A small-town guy trying to make a living in a big city, totally lost under the train of his own thoughts about survival, felt the transition from living life into surviving one, and that transition left a sort of fear inside me, a fear of undefined nature, perhaps, the low confidence to face people, the act of trying to balance life between living and surviving was and still is bloody exhausting but what still kept me going was my ambition, and if you know me even the slightest, you’ll know what the ambition was………’is’.

Sometimes it amazes me, how detached I get with people, yet contradictorily, I think a lot about the moments I spent with them. It’s such an ambiguous feeling that I cannot come into a conclusive outcome about my nature, again, the question arises in my head, do I really need to find that conclusive answer or should I just give myself this age-old theory that this is how life is supposed to be, you spent some moments with some people, then everyone gets busy in their own lives, the distance starts developing gradually, and once that distance is long enough, life throws around more emotional speed breakers (insecurities, regrets, angst, anger, misunderstandings) to make sure you do not even try and cover it, I know I am sounding too shallow by making it sound like this is all because of life, and acting as a victim and making life principle antagonist of the journey, whereas in reality, one might tell that these situations in life are driven through my actions only.  

Have you ever wondered why most of us only tend to recall moments which were too happy or extremely sad, we find hard to recall any random moment from the past which was uneventful, “we are acclimatized in such a way, things can only be white and black” is not the answer I am looking for?

Last year, a friend of mine sent me a hand-written letter with a copy of “The Raven” from the great Edgar Allan Poe, I always re-read that letter and book to understand why I have not been able to follow all those words of advice that she had very accurately pointed out, I still judge people on the basis of their actions, I have still not learned how to love myself more openly, and yet to learn that sometimes, a clear ‘No’ is important.

I am still trying to contemplate the relationship between personal triumph and empathy. Does one even exist between them? If so, how does on draw lines to separate their own individual importance.

Last two years have been quite a roller-coaster ride, despite coming so close to my dream, I couldn’t make it, have seen someone close die a very painful death, got rid of my insomnia without depending on any pills, left two ‘safe’ jobs only because I was treated like a piece of shit (I am being told by few people that it’s because I am one), have experienced how quickly people around you change when you are unemployed, and have nothing much to offer (in terms of money, words or your presence). Perhaps the reason for my recent absent-minded behavior is the culmination of the anger and bitterness that is building up inside me for the last two years. This is the reason why the epilogue of “Blow” has felt so important and relatable, I do not want life to pass by me while I am making grand plans for it and going through my own share of poignant moments, and despite leaving pieces of my heart at certain stages to certain people, there should be enough room for my heart to stay alive.

I recall that time of life, when I developed interest in playing squash, I got a great kick out of it, even though I never won a single game, and every day after facing defeat, the next day I would tell myself, “C’mon man, at-least win a game” and again face defeat, so my life in the past two and a half years is on the same lines, I face defeat on every level, the next day I get up and tell myself “C’mon man, at-least win this one”. In due time, I might get my win, till then persistence is the key.

So, it is befitting to say that I am left with two options, to remain in this constant absent-minded overthinking phase, and let what should be the most defining years of my life pass by me, and let it make me toxic at some point ahead (the symptoms are already there), or I should just get the fuck out of this confused indecipherable phase without any drama, and attempt. Just put up a more honest fight to reach that place where I have been dreaming to see myself. At-least I am willing to put up a fight, and as Gulzar Saab has written in one of his recent songs “दिल पत्थर हो जाएगा, या पत्थर का दिल धड़केगा”

One of the most influential books in my life is “The Zahir” written by Paulo Coelho, and at some point, in the book, it is mentioned “It's not my story anymore: whenever I speak about the past now, I feel as if I were talking about something that has nothing to do with me. All that remains in the present are the voice, the presence, and the importance of fulfilling my mission. I don't regret difficulties I experienced; I think they helped me to become the person I am today, I feel the way a warrior must feel after years of training; he doesn't remember the details of everything he learned, but he knows how to strike when the time is right.”

I am deeply flawed, but I am also learning to love myself,

With Love,

Mandeep  

Song of Love: Chup Chup Ke from 'Bunty Aur Babli'

Written by the wizard of words, Gulzar Saab, composed by the sensational and versatile trio of Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy, the melodious voices bestowed by Sonu Nigam, Mahalaxmi Iyer, the song “Chup Chup Ke” from the Shaad Ali directed 2005 film ‘Bunty Aur Babli’ is simply not about Bunty and Babli, it’s a song culminating from the love fashioned between Rakesh Trivedi and Vimmi Saluja. The song juxtaposes the dual personalities that both Rakesh and Vimmi hides inside themselves in the form of their aspirations and dreams. So, to represent their romance, it becomes important to have a song that highlights both forms of the couple. The sound of piano that initiates the song represents the intimacy of their first kiss, just like the tunes coming out of a piano, the kiss that both Bunty and Babli share is highly seductive in its nature. The song then quickly shifts into the sound of Sitar, arranged by Niladri Kumar. The initial part of the song which starts with a piano and transforms into Sitar distinguishes the contradiction between the two personalities of the couple. The former, westerns in its aspirations, while the later representing the Indian-ness of their love.

Source: Tumblr

We quickly cut to a wide landscape of mountains, “देखना मेरे सर से आसमाँ उड़ गया है” sings Rakesh, as if telling Vimmi how jealous is the sky of their newly found love, and is reorganizing itself from the universe courtesy brought by the fanaticism of their love. Vimmi replies “देखना क्या हुआ, ये ज़मीं बह रही है, देखना पानियों में, ज़मीं घुल रही है कहीं से” the earth too is influenced by their love, and is ready to get submerged in water. The comparison between the two entities, Sky and Earth and their reformation, probably in their own way trying to get the feel of the taste of love, the lines are constructed in typical Gulzar-esque fashioned style to define the love between these two characters. It is also a symbol that much like the big ambitions that these two people have, the canvas of their thoughts is also larger than life. It’s as if the love between these two characters is acting as a conductor in an orchestra and directing the sky and earth to perform as per their words. The theme, idea and the interpretation of their love directed towards the sky and earth is what it makes it even more beautiful, because then the understandings will be in large number and in a deeper sense.    

   

We then see a change in characters in the song in the next scene, we see Bunty and Babli going around in a car, probably after a con job, and they make love in the car randomly in the middle of an empty road, the reason I say they are Bunty and Babli, because we do not hear a word, throughout the scene, all we get to hear is a tune of Piano, and when they do get inside of the car, we see a bundle of rupees flying away without neither of them bothering about it, that signifies the people we see on the screen.

  

We quickly cut back to Rakesh singing “होश में मैं नहीं, ये गशी भी नहीं, इस सदी में कभी, ये हुआ ही नहीं” he is sharing his state of confusion in his mind about his identity, he is muddled about the issue that whether the person in love is Rakesh or Bunty, because he hasn’t felt like this before, he has felt the highs of a successful con job gone right in the past, but the ecstasy of being in love is way above everything else in the world, and to be honest, at this point he just does not care about his dual personality, he simply wants to be in this moment of love. He does not know what the future holds for him, he just wants to be in the present, because he is in love and wants time to be paused and let him be absorbed in the moment. “जिस्म घुलने लगा, रूह गलने लगी” replies Vimmi, simply telling him that now, apart from partners in crime, they have become one soul, they both have amalgamated into one another, “पाँव रुकने लगने ,राह चलने लगी” up till that point, they were running towards one goal after another, but now Rakesh and Vimmi have come out of Bunty and Babli, and they have found stability in life, and now they do not run towards their path, the are static in their place, it’s the road of love they are walking together that is driving them towards their pathway, which is different from the idea that Bunty and Babli have in their mind.

We get back to both of them speaking once again about the sky and earth, and in a way, they are providing us updates about the sky and earth’s quest to restructure themselves. “आसमाँ बादलों पर करवटें ले रहा है, देखना आसमाँ ही बरसने लगे ना ज़मीन पे” the anxiety is getting into the nerves of the sky, and that might eventually lead to a point where the sky would roll around the clouds in order to pour down into the earth. “ये ज़मीं पानियों में डुबकियाँ ले रही है, देखना उठ के पैरों पे चलने लगे ना कहीं पे” announces Vimmi. This stanza of the song clears my ambiguity about the use of the words, sky and earth, the lyrics are trying to tell an individual story in itself, between sky and earth, both of them are envious of the love between Rakesh and Vimmi that they are witnessing in front of them, this ignites the fire of love in them, and they desperately want to sneak near each other for a couple of moments of proximity. The distance between them is too large to be fulfilled, instead both Rakesh and Vimmi are sharing their longing for one another through their words which are embedded in music.

We then cut back to Bunty and Babli having a glass of champagne in the middle of nowhere, and ironically for the first time, we hear these characters sing “छुप छुप के, चोरी से चोरी”. We see them running into an uninhabited lane, probably after a heist gone wrong, they try and hide around a corner, but at this particular moment, both of them are struck with the realization of being this intimate with each other. As they get closer with each other, we see a couple of people carrying flambeaus in the background. This is a very subtle hint on the director’s part to show the flames of love burning inside them, as they make love while running away from a theft, they are not one bit concerned about any other aspect at that moment apart from feeling each other’s love. As they make love, Bunty pulls the pearl necklace from Babli’s neck, this gives me another hint that the pearl necklace broken so passionately was stolen.

Just before the song, there is a beautiful sequence around the banks of Taj Mahal with a man singing on the outskirts, as if providing Rakesh and Vimmi a marriage song. Both of them take their marriage vows, and promise each other that they will forever remain as Bunty and Babli, fatefully once they are done with their proceedings, Vimmi tells him “Oye Rakesh, Just Married”. Shaad Ali is probably fascinated with the idea of his characters being in love around and with Taj Mahal. Ricky Thukral and Alvira Khan’s love was similarly made memorable in “Bol Na Halke Halke” from “Jhoom Barabar Jhoom”, where Ricky proposes Alvira for marriage, and we hear a man singing in the background. 

“तुम कहो तो रुकें, तुम कहो तो चलें, ये जुनूँ है अगर, तो जुनूँ सोच लें” sings Rakesh, solidifying the marriage vows he took, that he will take every important step in life in accordance with Vimmi, if their dynamics is termed as some sort of fixation by the world, then let it be the measuring stick for the feeling of obsession. The play of words describes the beauty and the epic nature of what it means for these characters to be in love. The fixation that is driven through love is much stronger than the core feeling, and Rakesh is even to willing to prove it. “तुम कहो तो रुकें, तुम कहो तो चलें, मुझको पहचानती, है कहाँ मंज़िले” says Vimmi, she will be unfamiliar to her destination without him, and if she is alone, even her destinations won’t recognize her.

The song culminates with the line “बंटी की बबली और बबली का बंटी, बंटी की बबली हुई”, leaving it for the audience to decide whether they see Bunty and Babli, or Rakesh and Vimmi. The song has so much depth to offer about the romantic side of these two couples, and the way they perceive romance. On one side, we have a couple acting as a mediator to narrate the tales of an immature but fantasy love between sky and earth, while on the other side we have a couple, who is naughty at every inch of their skin, and is looking to explore the moment of being ‘High’ when in love. We have a couple representing small towns of India, and on the other end, we have a couple showing urges of urbanized lifestyle.

Chup Chup Ke, probably got lost in the chaos of the lyrical and musical genius of Kajra Re, but the way this song provides nuances of these characters is simply worth admiring.