“Ain’t no Shame in holding onto grief, as
long as you make room for other things too”
Bubbles, The Wire
It has been a tough year; professionally and
personally. Many dreams on which I dedicated important years of my life got
shattered (Needless to say, they are just delayed, I will accomplish them
someday), and life is a total mess on the personal front. 2017 started with the
diagnosis of mild anxiety disorder and chronic insomnia by a qualified
Psychiatrist, and by the end of it, I can confirm I haven’t really worked my way
out of those stages, but I have been working on it throughout the year; weight
loss, sleep hygiene, listening to calm music before sleeping, and only when all
the methods fail, I feel like going to the one who has been my constant
companion this year; Alprazolam.
I made some tough/bad choices this year, well
actually this year has been full of bad decisions, and have come to the
conclusion that I just wasn’t at right place at the right time with the right
frame of mind. However, it is not an excuse that I am using as a false hollow
shield to hide my failure with, Yes, I was an utter failure this year, perhaps
I have been for a longer time but this year made me become aware of it. How did
I become aware of that, because I was turning bitter, I guess failure and
rejections at crucial junctions of your life does that to you, it turns you
into a bitter person. Now it is upto me that how I proceed with all the
bitterness filled in me. Failure and rejections are very subjective, and
difficult to classify unanimously; a failure for you might not necessarily be
the felt from the same point of view by someone else. The stakes are different;
the yardstick for the measurement of the extent of failure varies. However, the
drama unfolds in almost in the same scenario. The emotions get restricted with
times; the mind is in constant search of anonymous solace, the unsolicited
reminiscence uninterruptedly surrounding us, the usual practice where we end up
analyzing the failure to its core.
I have lost a lot this year, important people in my
life, mentally and physically as well. I have seen both scenarios, timely and
untimely death of loved ones. On one end, I saw someone accepting death against
a rare form of cancer, and just simply waiting for the misery to end. I never
experienced something like that, seeing someone anxiously waiting for death to
knock on the door. On the other end, saw a premature death of a close friend,
you are planning for life, living in poignant moments, and suddenly death
strikes, and it is all over, just like that within a snap of a finger. The
thousands of memories generated into those millions of neurons end in a moment.
I just could not sleep after that, I had nightmares, that is something I will never
be able to able to get out of, and my grandmother repeatedly tells me that we
never make peace in our heart with the loss of someone important, we live with
it, hold onto the moments of happiness, and move on with the grief. She tells
me that we humans are processed that way, we move on. I heard this beautiful
line in a TV series “Ain’t no Shame in holding onto grief, as long as you make room for
other things too”.
Saw some great films, that long stayed with me, the
characters constantly raised questions about my perspective on a lot of things,
read a lot of books, fiction, non-fiction, personal memoirs, saw some great TV
shows. I will try to highlight some of those moments which i filled along with grief:
Meri
Pyari Bindu is without any doubt remains a charming
film for me; it gave a new perspective of love, Bubla Roy’s notion of love left
a long lasting impact. My memorable moment in the film remains Bubla's monologue expressing
what Bindu meant for him, comparing her to the sad words of Gulzar, Sachin
Tendulkar’s straight drive, more heartbreaking than the last ten minutes of
Hrishikesh Mukherjee’s Anand, Geeta Dutt’s voice and many more of extraordinary
figures.
 |
| Meri Pyari Bindu |
Arjun
Reddy an iconic character with his flaws and imperfections
manages to grab our attention and makes his point about love crystal clear. The
film will surely gain cult status in the coming years. The film, which almost
feels like a documentary on this fascinating protagonist, always keeps you
engage. The scene where Arjun is feeling the heat of his raging hormones, and
yet does not get a chance to fulfill it,
he then grabs a handful of ice and puts it into his jeans to calm himself. In
another scene, he compares his state of mood swings to a women going through
PMS, and makes a point that one should take care of him rather than telling him
that it is all in the fate. I wrote a post on Arjun Reddy, Please do read The Journey of Suffering with Arjun Reddy
Angamaly
Diaries, a stylish gangster film with moments
of utter chaos, madness, barbarism, delicious food, screeching of pigs below
knife, business of pork meat. In a scene, a man wraps his hands around a tree
while tying a bomb, with a hypothesis that even if the bomb explodes, his hands
would face the casualty, leaving his face and body relatively safe. The film is
raw and rustic in its nature, and so is the outstanding soundtrack, which forms
an important part of the film. The film features an 11-minute long take climax,
which became its highlight, but apart from that climax, the pre-interval long
chase is equally adrenaline driven.
 |
| Angamaly Diaries |
Newton,
I have been to the rural parts of Chattisgarh, I have seen the blankness that
resides in the mind of the people. They do not give a damn about democracy or
any ideology, for them the quest for survival is the important agenda. The difference in opinions and ideology
between Newton Kumar and Aatma Singh is what made this film interesting. The
scene where Sanjay Mishra tells the rookie election officer, Newton that “one
should not be arrogant about their honesty, it is expected from them and it
should make you feel lighter, not burdened” is my favorite moment in the film.
Vikram
Vedha, the template of Baital Pachisi styled into a
neo-nor action thriller with an honest and equally dangerous police officer
going against a ruthless gangster. The
entry scene of Vedha in the film reminded me why I fell in love with movies. If
you have ever heard, read or watched the stories of Baital Pachisi, you’ll
realize the film does follow every trait from the folktale, but in a
contemporary fashion. Be highly attentive while watching this film, you do not
want to miss anything, because the devil lies in the details. The film is
oozing with intelligence, and puts you in a dilemma while questioning the
morality of a good person versus bad person.
 |
| Vikram Vedha |
The
Wire, I never thought I will watch anything better than
Breaking Bad, but I was wrong, I watched The Wire, which aired on HBO from 2002
to 2008 and consisted of 5 seasons. The story is set in a city of Baltimore,
the post 9/11 era in the United States where we understand how the impact of
drug on various important elements in the society, from the streets of
Baltimore, to the docks, from the schools to local newspaper, each entity is
equally impacted and embedded. It is not a dramatic show; it forms its roots in
organizing realism as well as empathy. The Show is about the flawed American
war against the drugs, and the makers go up, front, and tells you how flawed the
American Society and its politics are. In season 1 of the show, there is a
communication going on between two cops, when one of them tells the other we
are up against the war on drugs, to which the other cop replies, it’s not a war
on drugs, because war’s end. The show has one of the coolest anti-hero in the
form of Omar Little, who also happens to be President Obama’s favorite TV
character.
Books,
I have read considerably less in 2017, but this year I discovered some
classics, and great books. Haruki Murakami’s “Norwegian Wood” remains a personal favorite. Murakami’s writing is
simply therapeutic and spells magic through his words. I also read Franz
Kafka’s “Metamorphosis”, which I
liked and was slightly disturbed by certain scenarios in the book; maybe I am
just too immature to understand his books, which are full of symbolism at its
deepest layer possible. Gulzar Saab’s “DO
LOG” turned out to be yet another remarkable work from the legendary
artist. Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird: Some instructions on
Writing and Life” was the book that I wanted to read for a long time, and
finally I did got a chance to read it, it was funny, to the point, and does
gives out some important words that one should follow in life. Bill Hayes’s “Insomniac City: New York, Oliver, and Me”
was extremely personal and leaves you smiling with a hint of sadness. It talks
about grief in a very different manner. Reading has been an important part of
my life, and for the time being it takes me away from the grim reality of life.
I am looking to explore more genres, more authors, translated works, novels in
Hindi, Punjabi Literature.
I’ll
end my post by quoting George Jung from ‘Blow’ “But I force a smile, knowing
that my ambition will exceed my talent”……
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