Paradigm of Longing

Let’s talk about Longing.

Longing is a sort of high-pitched emotion that amplifies the object of its purpose, be it in the form of a person, the unsortable feelings associated with that person, the quest to get back in the deep comfort of a particular place or through our ostensible goals that we have been dreaming so far in our lives. The end result is simple, the longing conceals the landscape of our day to day priorities. The process is slow, but an untraceable one, By the time, we acknowledge the presence of that longing, it already attains a great division, and spreads throughout our mind. The principle it primarily works on is by regularly drawing our attention to the entity, acting as a bunch of small but very active crickets, the sound they generate starts playing continuously in our ears. This effect of stridulation produced through the form of longing is decent enough to trigger a situation of undeniable anxiety, leading to a point where we stand at the fine line between burden and gratification, and that is the point we really do not wish to be in. It is via this point, we transverse our life into the chasm of loneliness, suffering and towards a quest to fulfill that longing.

Photo by Josh Marshall on Unsplash 

The most fascinating perspective is how longing imbibes itself in every moment of our lives, when it attains its maturity. The bafflement it generates is a gradual process, when it shapes up in its own magnitudes of pulse, the anticipation theme lying between the sadness and ecstasy starts fluctuating more rapidly, and we are left like spectators watching the finale of a thriller, we do not wish to watch, yet cannot be at ease without knowing the outcome. Sadness, in terms of failing to conquer that longing, and state of trance when that longing comes to an end. Apart from the oscillating pendulum, there is another characteristic feature among many others which helps longing get its roots firmer in our mind, waiting. 

The thrill of confusion infused with unbearable wait causes more turmoil internally. The constant reminder of the sounds of needles playing in the backdrop, as if reminding us that we are running out of time, of what exactly, we do not know yet, but the focus is more on lack of time. We might find ourselves in a situation where we hallucinate that we are going to miss the last train of the night. The tricks that this urgency creates by the lack of time is a clear indicative of the synergistic relationship that time and longing have. The variable nature of time in directly relatable to the depth and intensity of longing. Time does act as an antagonistic for wounds, both physical and emotional, but for longing it provides the nourishing medium, longing needs to mature more deeply into our behavior.   

And once, longing has full-fledged completely and developed its own dynamics of working, the annoyance buildups within silence. Silence, the second variable in this model is similar to time which acts as the catalyst for longing to be dully acknowledged. Silence fills the dichotomy between an inducement and the final action. In this dichotomy of silence, which feels like a small interval of time is actually the longest process in longing, there are uncertainties, anxiety, predictions of the outcome of our actions, feeling of rejection. If we wish to dwell into a more sophisticated and precise version of silence, it is safe to say that it exist as a fine line between yearning and trepidation. Silence can also be assumed to be a form of dialogue between our longing and that part of our mind which does not want to indulge into the objective that longing has brought with itself. There are negotiations from both sides, merits and demerits of the value that the objective of longing will bring in our present state of lives. The part of mind which advocates the ignorance of longing gets quiet, when longing lure it with the mirage of our face smiling and living with a feeling of contentment. This is the masterstroke that longing plays at the climax of the argument between these two sides, and then silence recommences itself more aggressively. The eeriness of that silence can be traumatic in long terms, because it wants us to face that subject which will initiate a vulnerable response from our end.

Silence is what drives longing to take a form of suffering, it takes us into an unknown space of uncertainties, undesirable flashbacks of those long and intimate conversations that we voluntarily decided to hide at the trash bin of our memories. Then the point of confrontation with our fears happens, the unwanted explanations from our side is the instinctive response, but it fails miserably. Our end of story is dismissed in the first instance, the focus is on making us aware and dully acknowledge the longing that has been articulated systematically.

I wonder about the state in which longing might exist; memories, pictures, sound, guilt, regrets, loss, fear, pain, suffering, love or simply in form of silence, which is the raw and core end product of the process. The argument is rhetorical, the nature of its existence is secondary as compared to the acceptance of longing.            

         

Longing is like a metamorphosis of loneliness. How the events unfold further, once it has been established and acknowledged in our mind is abstract in nature, and is difficult to decipher. It is difficult to predict the actions mediated through longing, it stays in an optimal zone which has its own charm, it plays according to its own mind games, it can be heartbreaking also, because we are going to face disappointments quite regularly. It’s as if we are made to believe that we are already in an intimate relationship with the emptiness that has been residing inside us, the canvas is blank, and is easily susceptible to modification according to our own needs and contradictorily, this surrounding of blankness is a gift of longing, because it gives us a sense of artificial proximity, with the object of longing. 

Love, in its refined form feels incomplete without the presence of longing. If there is no longing, either there is no feeling of love (just a period of infatuation) or that form of love has not yet reached that stage of evolution. Adrienne Rich, the great American poet wrote: “An honorable human relationship — that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word ‘love’ is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.”  Reading these words gives me another perspective to look at longing through the involvement of romantic love. Longing is that filter which refines the truth in love, and gives both people that sense of nearness to each other’s words. We do not merely love the person in front of us, but also craves the truth that we should hear from them. The truth which is missing in our lives. It is in no way a depiction of love to be considered as a rehabilitation center for the treatment of lack of emotionalism. The exchange of truth is set on a mutual understanding with perfect balance from both ends, any form of imbalance will eventually cause the feeling of love to evaporate out of the site.   

In the ownership of love, longing is a calling of beached mortification, we lie naked in front of this stubborn feeling, courtesy of the act of striping that the filtered truth coming out of longing does, the awkwardness of who we thought we were is totally decentralized, lending us into a space of scintillating insight. The vulnerable individuality is reshaped and given another chance to build a future of our dreams. The truth coming of the longing are like recently sharped darts, which hits us where it will hurt the most, it inflicts a lot of emotional pain, which cannot be computed, but without this action, longing will fail to cover its aim. This is the risk that longing bring with itself, but in return it sets us free from our own ego and the certain predicaments of life. The catharsis of emotions that results from the outcome will eventually be our moment of personal solace.       

What makes longing so unbearable?

Is it the defining silence, which causes the bundles of uncertainties, fear of facing the unfulfilled feelings residing inside us, or the fear of suffering from the acceptance of longing which makes it unbearable, or the lethal merger of both?  

There will come a time, when we will be rendered helpless and will have nowhere to go and ignore our own desires. We will be forced to face the music of silence, the anxiety of uncertainties, and we will be confined into our own chain of random thoughts. Longing works in simple yet deeply complex way, externally it does appear to be a feeling of nostalgia, but on an internal level, it operates for a larger scheme of things. The emptiness is our ground of realism, which can be reformed from an intellectual space into something or someone whom we want to call our own. The tough part is realization and courage to admit this weird yet important feeling of longing and act in accordance to the truth it throws our way.